Art Gallery VIOLETT STORM

for my dearest Talitha, who knows all of my secrets!

Wed, 12 May 2010 07:22:00 +0000

each of one us has that special someone that you met by a lark or the seed of something unexpected, that someone in my life is my Talitha. when i met her she was but a mere child, shit for that matter i was too. Talitha is 7 years younger than me and was such a newbie in the local scene, but had sooooo much insight into the world. atleast the only world that ever really mattered. she and i were two hellions when we hung out, trouble with a capital T. yet we were always so loved by the general public, with whom her and i had no interest. we were bad girls of the greatest meaning of "BAD". such fun and decadence ruled our existence, we could not have had it any other way.

skip ahead almost 20 years, my bad girl protege' is now in her her thirties. my god it cannot be, but then again, i am 43. what the fuck happened to the time?! oh yeah, we kept on living the bad girl life and now , we are "bad women", once again in the greatest sense of the term. i told her earlier "crazy girls never die, we just get crazier"!!!!! So True, and the world continues to want us more. they want to tame our 'untamable' souls, they want to own what they cannot own and they want to see what we are really made of! Quite silly and sometimes pathetic, but entertaining nonetheless!

Talitha mentioned earlier in the course of our conversation how difficult it would be to cast the role of "me" in the movie. i, of course, agree...i am but one of a kind, yet the role of Talitha could never be filled by anyone but the original. i have a feeling the film has nothing more than a future of being shelved...too bad, it would be such a delight to all who had the privilege of viewing such hedonism, hehehe. well, life is such...full of missed opportunities. especially for those who have never taken the "risk" of pure decadence at it's finest. this is certainly not lack of responsibility and only those who have never enjoyed life the way it should be enjoyed would think as much. Life is truly Bliss, just ask Michael, hehehe.

yes, yes i know i swirl my words, but that is simply because my mind works that way. for you who do not understand, just live vicariously in what i say. trust me, it is the best way to wake up in the morning. And to Talitha, thanks for all the memories and let me thank you in advance for all that is to come!!!!!

I Love you my sweetness!!!!!

Trail of Tears and the loss of my ancestral knowledge.

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:13:00 +0000

When i was younger, there was absolutely no interest in my heritage within any fiber of the brain inside my cranium. I often made my mother cry by my insensitive and incongruous pleading for my folks to allow me to have my skin bleached. My vision of who i was meant to be was in the beauty of the anglo porcelain glow that i saw in my peers. Being a Deathrocker, i was too dark to blend into the fiery, center flame whiteness of whom i admired and surrounded my body with. Of course i used all the good ole stand-bys that us unfortunate "darkies" had to resort to IE, Porcelana, Skinbright etc. My mother accused me often of denying my blood ethnicity, which in my youthful, social oriented mind, i had to giggle. You see, i was consistent with the offering of my blood origin. Everyone that knew me or of me, knew that i was the novelty 'injun' of the scene. Actually, there were a couple more like me with the same feelings of inferiority of the brit(ya know, where it all began) and other celt birthed (hehe) children of Vegas.

The geography in itself was a thorn in my side. I could not walk out to the mailbox or car without achieving the type of tan every sun-worshiping caucasian dreams of until the edge of summer. In the skin-peeling, burn suffering of one hundred and eighteen degrees, i forced myself to wear long sleeves and endure the teethgrinding, laughter stares (not of outsiders, we were all used to that), but that of my peers, by carrying around an umbrella that i insisted was a parasol! And yet the sun, like moth to a flame(hehe), attracted to the thick pigment in my skin, seared through. Most lamentable the sun hour events that somehow would actually draw the LV gothica out into day, woe was me!!!!! Evil plot, by Evil money-hungry misers to poison the already afflicted 'darkie', wasn't my complexion punishment enough?! Sitting in the horrid, itchy grass trying my best to hold back the tears of fire ready to burst angrily from my black, yet light-sensitive eyes. i could almost smell the sizzling of flesh and destruction of tattoos rising from under the long sleeve-parasol armor. And once more WOE WAS ME!

Okay, let's fast forward more than two decades and see the forsaken result of the LV sun upon on an already shamed 'darkie' of the 80's.

I have lived in the Pacific northwest since the mid-90's, with a five year sabbatical in San Francisco during the late 90's to the early 00's. The sun is such a rare occasion and never the skin-peeling, burn suffering of one hundred and eighteen degrees as once was. My thickly dark skin has become as pale as the Anglo beauty that i was in awe of during the tenderness of my former age. Oh what joy to be...Right?! .....No, No, No. As the increasing of one's years also comes a growth of one's wisdom and familial pride.

Over the last decade(i am a late bloomer i suppose), i have researched my ancestral Honor including why my surname is so off when put to my appearance(believe it or not, my surname is as anglo as they come, hehehe). i have often wondered with such a tiny droplet of anglo DNA how my name happened to be or...With such a "white" surname. why was i so brown?. After enduring years of being teased by friends that i was adopted right off the reservation, at which one moment i began to believe and relentlessly questioned my parents, i learned of the inhuman, horrific "Acts" of the "white man", that finally put an end to this practice of removing indigenous children. The "Indian Adoption Project " and "Child Welfare League of America" was legalized kidnapping of indigenous children from their families for the "white man knew a better way of life".

Skipping ahead the response to this Act was the "Indian Child Welfare Act". Here is the portion of statements made in 2001 by the CWLA in "regret" of previous Ill treatments of Natives:

"One ethnic group, however - American Indians and Alaskan Natives - a people of many cultures and governments, and the original citizens of this land - was singled out for treatment that ranged over the decades from outright massacre to arrogant and paternalistic "improvement." CWLA played a role in that attempt. We must face this truth."

Okay, a little bit of history regarding the practice of adoption/Indigenous peoples. The reason for this is the teasing i went through was quite painful to me(although i never let it show). It followed me into adulthood as far as my thirties. I spent many nights crying and wondering why my Beloved parents would not reveal such a crucial truth to me. You see, if you are looking for something, you will find it!. I began to see all the differences between my brother and myself, and my folks for that matter. Why was i the only Noticeable Indian in my immediate family. There were always good reasons, but when that is not what your after, it loses credibility. How did my parents and brother have blue or green eyes and mine are near black. That is biologically impossible(this one really through me for a loop)!!!!! Although the blood origin stems greatly from the veins of my maternal side, my father pumped native plasma/R&W cells deep through

the veins of his maternal side as well. Yes there were absolute facts that i could not close my eyes to such as one of my paternal cousins was most definitely the original me(she is older), my father's brother could have been the second coming of Wayne Newton and every woman on my dad's side had naturally black hair and eyes(a bit like mine, hehehe)!

I had overlooked one Major factor in the mystery. I was in possession of my original birth certificate from St. Anthony's hospital in Oklahoma city where everyone else in family was born...OOPS!!!!! A slight oversight on my part. Nonetheless, it was due to this inner turmoil i had experienced quietly over the years that i decided to take more interest in who and what made me look the way i did. Being from Oklahoma, the largest of the Cherokee and Choctaw nations(yes, that is what i am made up of, Choctaw AND Cherokee((i am so SICK of the Cherokee jokes, so give it a rest!!!!!)), i knew my previous blood pumpers had walked the "Trail of Tears".

'a small break here because, as corny as you may find me, my eyes fill and blurr remembering the horror i discovered as i read of my family and so many others' suffering. and the "white guilt" that i feel because i have Never come close to these atrocities in my life nor my folks. I still feel and will always, that i am less of an American Indian because of lack of suffering and oppression( i know i am not the only "half-breed" that feels this way' Cher can bite me).

I am not going to provide a history lesson on the brutal Displacement of the Aboriginal Peoples from their homelands. If you do not know, shame on you as it was shame on me, then look it up and learn of it. From here i went on to find out that even more tragedy had become my native familia.

After years of humiliations from having to register as a thing, number, non-human, my family had dissenters. A sense of pride, yes, but this also caused the loss of detailed knowledge and information regarding where loved ones went and how they lived. Due to eventual shame of being brown, many bloodline members took on false identities, looks and did their best to live as white. My familial name will forever be denied to my parents, my brother, his daughter, my son and me. i will be of anglo name(which of course 80's me jumps for joy), but will never fit in while my skin remains RED!!!!! But now in my life, not as RED as i wish it was.

Be careful what you do wish for. The chances of it happening are high...The chances of it happening when you want it are slim.

I write this not of myself, but of my Family. I only have my eyes to look through and my thoughts to guide me through my beautiful family's history.

MOM, DAD, BROTHER, I LOVE YOU DEARLY AND WILL ETERNALLY THANK MY HIGHER GUIDE, LOVE , SELF THAT YOU WERE CHOSEN FOR ME. I AM TRULY BLESSED!!!!!

Zippity doodah, Zippity hay

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:30:00 +0000

ZIPPITY DOODAH HAY

many years ago, i was preggers with my one and only child. at the time i was married to a fella whose last name was 'hay'. i decided that i would name my son(known by ultrasound) zippity doodah. i figured his peers would call him 'zip'. i was so pleased with this name, my husband was pleased as well(maybe not as much as i was). ZIPPITY DOODAH HAY. nothing could resonate such perfection. the families were up in arms about this choice. i stood my ground and refused to bend. it was only after continual reprimand that i conceded. my son is now 19 and has said that zip would have been his choice as well. we named him ALEX, which is truly regal, but zippity will always be so close to the heart. i so wish i would not have let myself be bullied. OH WELL

What qualifies as pretense?

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:26:00 +0000

what qualifies as pretense?

Current mood: anxious

I think at all times we have dreams(of course). Crazy dreams, unexplainable dreams. For instance, why is there sometimes an impossible climb and slide on BART. Why is the intended destination so difficult to get to? Why is the route made up of all that frightens me? It is not the people, it is not the schedule, it is a complete unavailabilty of what will make me comfortable. What i know, what i hope to know, all that is familiar. I ride the train daily, yet there is nothing that i recognize. Only a slight glimpse of what i might believe to be safe. This is a yucky dream that I encounter frequently. It always leads into something less desirable such as an 11th floor escape that becomes so excruciating, i try not to end up in the basement. Not far from the BIG fire that is the broiler. STOP SLAMMING YOUR DOOR!!!!!

Currently listening:

The Best of Parliament: Give Up the Funk

By Parliament

Release date: 06 June, 1995

3:29 AM

Gomez vs. Arlo

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:25:00 +0000

gomez vs. arlo

Current mood: thankful

A few years ago Urs and I moved out of a rent control 11th floor apt. in S.F so we could bring up a little pit named Chloe. Since then we have both moved on. Urs is in Utah, I have come back to Seattle. Chloe is in Utah and I have not seen her in 3 years. Last Nov of 06, I adopted Arlo. He is a sweet pit that melts me every time he raises those beautiful brown eyes at me. He is quite the handful and sometimes I simply want to say ENOUGH. Those eyes, that crazy freckled nose, i am soooo lost in the baby's spell. Nessa you know. Gomez would be so distraught, although I do not know if he thinks so. Yeah, I know, not so PROFOUND. BITE ME!!!!!

Sleeping is such a mystery.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:24:00 +0000

sleeping is such a mystery

Current mood: sleepy

i have suffered from insomnia for years. when i say suffered, i really mean it. of course suffering has many degrees, but in regards to the type of suffering that encompasses a complete unrest during times of exhaustion, this qualifies with an unrelenting kick in the ass. i am, by nature, a sleeper of the utmost integrity. i love to sleep, it is on my top most yummy things ever. to become deprived of something so desired and needed can truly result in a combination of personal brutality and unforgiving ickiness. i have tried sleeping remedies, but to no avail. they may allow sleep to come, but i pay for it in the morning. on top of my everpained struggle to get to sleep, once i am deep into r.e.m.s and body twitching, someone inevitably calls my phone, which also doubles as my alarm. i realize that "early morning" is different for everyone but when you have finally reached that point of slumbering heaven, the last thing you want is some uninvited slap to your sleeping brain. there really is no solution to this(at least not one that has satisfied my sleep suffering), but next time you hear a sleep donned voice on the other end, no matter if they have said " no, i'm awake", simply say" i'll call you back".

Currently listening:

Essential Leonard Cohen

By Leonard Cohen

Release date: 22 October, 2002

The world and all it means.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:23:00 +0000

the world and all that it means

Current mood: hopeful

i often wonder where is it that i, and others, truly exist on a daily basis. we could all derive our existence in some surrealistic hope that makes each one of us believe that we are so one of a kind. i do not believe that a deck of cards can explain the day to day experience individually known to each of us. why is my sunrise different than yours? does the rain come to you as it comes to me? does a stranger's smile mean the same to you and does it affect your day? in an elevator someone remarked they liked my lipstick and the relation it had to my hair. i had been thinking at the moment before that my lower lip was way too dry and it felt yucky. did that nice remark from a stranger make my lower lip feel more moist? no, but it made me feel so much better about the self consciousness that i had felt moments before. it is not so much a case set forth in vanity as is a huge "thanks" for not treating a stranger as a stranger. we are all in the same boat ultimately.

Currently listening:

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you!

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:21:00 +0000

i wish you could see yourself the way i see you

Current mood: distressed

i have been here, i have been there. i have been known to be self-consumed, but this is not about me, this is about you. this is about your incapabiltiy to understand the beauty that becomes you. the fact that you have an evil presence around you that limits your view of who you are and keeps those who value your true worth at more than arms length. i told you i will always support the decisions you feel are optimal to your happiness, but you are not happy. i can no longer be silent about the abuse you are sustaining from a "self-proclaimed" joker who cannot find ass from value. a heinous individual that rips apart the core of who you truly are. you are drowning and i am here to do what i can to stop this brutality. i love you sooo much and you are worth more than what you believe to be. i cannot, nor will ever, strong-arm you to see things my way, that would be absolutely contrary to the point. but you are being abused and there is no HAPPY ENDING. i do not believe in altruistic efforts, everything has a self-serving result, but i just want you to embrace your own self-worth and not become the victim of some small-town, small-brained jagged hook that you cannot whiggle your way out of without receiving a torn sense of self. are you still you? BE HONEST

Currently listening:

Flamejob

By The Cramps

Release date: 11 October, 1994

I don;t know if i should cry or scream. maybe just break something!

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:19:00 +0000

i don't know if i should cry or scream!!!!! or just break something.

Current mood: nauseated

CERTAIN LOVES CANNOT BE BROKEN ...EVER! BUT I AM AT MY WITS END. I LOVE YOU BEYOND THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE, BUT I AM BREAKING AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE OR CARE. TALK OF BREAKING, YOU BREAK MY DISHES, MY CAMERA, MY PLEAS, MY HEART AND MY SPIRIT. YOU EVEN BREAK THE LAW. YOU CAUSE ME TO BREAK VERY IMPORTANT AND MEANINGFUL PLANS. YOU HAVE EVEN CAUSED ME TO BREAK MY PROMISE!!!!! IF YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE, I WOULD BREAK YOU. BUT THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. THE FACT IS I WILL NEVER BREAK FROM YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BREAK FROM ME AND THAT'S A SHAME YOU DO NOT SEE THIS NOW.

Currently listening:

Only Theatre of Pain

By Christian Death

Release date: 20 February, 2001

Suck, suck. Move it to the left

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:18:00 +0000

SUCK, SUCK. MOVE IT TO THE LEFT

Current mood: amused

YUMMY, YUMMER, YUM

WHO MAKES THE RULES FOR FOR LOVE? FOR THAT MATTER, LUST? and to go even further, sexual "i have been to the promised land". when i made my first trip to the promised land, i was quite lively, a willing traveller so to speak. i continue to go there as much as i can, sometimes it is a solo trip, at other times it is a free for all. to make the determination on which drive is greatly driven is something that can not be decided. but i am happy to say, i DO have my choice!!!!! when i see YUM around the corner, i do my best to lick it up, and i truly believe that when YUM sees me around the corner, well my spikes become airborne. HEHEHE